you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
