I am full of burrito and curiosity
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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