I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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