I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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