Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize