Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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