Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
