You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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