so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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