Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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