O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
