I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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