if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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