I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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