maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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