dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
