i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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