No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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