I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
