My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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