We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
