if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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