I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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