God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
