hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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