brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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