Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
