it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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