Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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