i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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