I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
