just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
