don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
