her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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