it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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