I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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