I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
