sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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