Sry I called you an 8
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Randomize