you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
