Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
