I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
