i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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