oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
