A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
