They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This house was built for laser tag.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
