i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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