A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
