my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
