i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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