I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
