i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
