I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
