He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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