Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We named our party play list daddy issues
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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